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Mother Nurture
By © Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac., 2007

The Keys to Solving Child Problems

Children are a profound joy, innocent beings delivered into our care who call forth a love like no other. And every child has problems, from learning to share his  toys to pushing through senioritis on the way to college. Some of the common ones include separation anxiety, behavioral issues, social problems, worries or phobias, glum mood, struggles with school and homework, aggressiveness, inattention, sibling quarrels, lack of motivation, teenage nuttiness, drugs and alcohol, problems with eating, low self-esteem, etc.

Over the years, when faced with one issue or another, we’ve found ourselves making the same basic recommendations repeatedly to parents –and to each other! So we thought we’d offer them here in summary form.

Think of these recommendations as a kind of pre-flight checklist: you’re probably doing many if not all of them already, but it’s good to see them together, and to review them in your mind when you’re grappling with some difficulty with your son or daughter.

By the way, we’ve written at length about each one, and those past columns  are archived and available for free at http://www.wisebrain.org/articles.html. This column itself is condensed from a longer discussion, which will also be available at the link just above.

#1 Love them dearly.

The foundation of good parenting is a sustained, responsive, loving nurturance. Some of the details include:

#2 Take care of yourself and your relationship.

We’ve written at length about standard, comprehensive, sensible ways to take good care of individual parents and their relationship, and these are archived at http://www.wisebrain.org/articles.html.  It’s just common sense. The crux, as usual, is doing it.

#3 Learn about your child’s needs.

It’s amazing how often people work hard at getting good at things that don’t matter much, while putting minimal effort into what matters a lot. And it’s amazing how little it often takes, added up over a week or so, to transform a child, a life, or a marriage.

In the last several decades, there’s been an explosion of solid research about child development, and the practices that give you the best odds of success in resolving child problems. This information is available in hundreds of books and websites, at parent centers, and from parent guidance coaches and therapists. You can always find something that speaks to your mind and heart.

#4 Communicate values.

As parents, we need to step in proactively in ways that were unnecessary a generation or two ago and take initiative to communicate the values we hope our children develop. There are lots of ways to do this, often explored in detail in the books on “character education,” and here’s our own summary:

#5 Arrange positive circumstances.

#6 Optimize the child’s health.

Past columns have reviewed good practices, and you can see them in our archives. Here’s a quick summary:

#7 Teach skills.

You can teach your children how to relax, build up more of a sense of confidence, pay better attention, step back when they’re about to really blow it, argue against thoughts that make them worry, or motivate themselves to keep working at things that are difficult.

For example, if a child is nervous at night, consider these skills:

#8 Have reasonable standards and consequences.

Aah, discipline. We finally got to it. It works a lot better when it rests on the foundation of what’s been discussed above.

You are the boss in your home and you really do get to set, and enforce, the rules there. With your partner, clarify what those “house rules” are for bedtimes, how much TV, approach to homework, tone of voice, how sibs get treated, chores, etc. And establish the rewards and penalties linked to those standards.

Find consequences that are potent: they need to be sweet enough that the child will care about attaining them, and unpleasant enough that the child will be motivated to avoid them. Like most professionals who work with children, we believe there is always a better way than corporal punishment.

In most cases, the best consequences are rewards at risk: goodies you put on the table that the child can get through reasonable, age-appropriate behavior. Good goodies are (A) under your control and (B) not something you mind the child losing. Examples include stickers, money, TV or other screen time, and sweets. Poor goodies are things like play dates, story time, soccer games, favorite stuffed animals, etc.

Consistency is really important.

Stay the course.

In Conclusion

If you do most of what’s above most of the time, well, so far we’ve seen that work one hundred percent of the time.

**********

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 17 and 19. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the principal authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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Mother Nurture
By © Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac.,, 2007

Giving Is the Most Natural Thing in the World

I try to get our son, age 4, to share his toys, etc. with his younger sister or the kids at school, but everything is always, "No!
Mine!" with him. I feel like I am swimming upstream, pushing against his nature. Then I think about the world and sometimes I wonder, are people just plain selfish?

You're right, some days you read the newspaper and have to shake your head in dismay and sorrow.

Your question is poignant, touching, and profound: Are humans naturally more inclined to be domineering and selfish, or to be
cooperative and giving?

Your Theory of Human Nature
How we answer this question leads right to how we raise our children (and conduct ourselves with others, write laws, establish
governments, and so on). If our answer leans toward the domineering view, then it follows that people - including children - need substantial controls (both external and internalized) to get them to act right. On the other and, if the answer leans toward the cooperative view, then most people should be able to do alright with a lot of freedom to find their own way toward civilized behavior.

What's your own personal opinion about all this?

Of course, people are different. Some are very aggressive and exploitive of others, while some are very peaceful and generous. And wherever he or she is along that spectrum, almost everyone has the capacity to be both selfishly grabby and selflessly open-handed - just like preschoolers!

Further, much research about parenting keeps painting the same picture: the best-odds strategy for most children is to raise them with:

In short, we firmly believe that parents must claim their authority, be morally self-confident, and take responsibility for the moral instruction of their children.

That said, we also believe that the great weight of evidence is on the side of the view that the tendencies to be cooperative and giving are much more central and stronger in most people than tendencies to be domineering and selfish. And to anyone who worries and cares about the world we are bequeathing to our children, this has got to be good news.

The Vast Territory of Generosity and Giving
Consider how much of human life is spent in generosity and in giving (the former is a quality of being while the latter is an activity we do). You are generous and giving whenever you be or do in the territory these words point to:

How about some concrete examples? You give whenever you:

In particular, you are generous whenever you "give no man or woman cause to fear you"? - in other words, when you live in a virtuous, moral way. The common ground of the major ethical or religious traditions of mankind contains five fundamental guidelines: Do not kill, steal, lie, intoxicate yourself to heedlessness, or cause harm through sexuality. Simply living morally is a kind of giving.

Born and Bred to Be Generous
When you consider all this, it's clear that we spend a lot of time giving to others. It's the most natural thing in the world. Most giving is small, in passing, hardly noticed, the breath and wallpaper of life. It's not hard to overlook. And with all the attention paid in the media to images and words of destruction and horrible
mistreatment, it is easy to conclude that the true home of humanity
is on the dark side of the force.

Yet, while it is certainly true that we are animals atop the food chain and capable of great aggressiveness, it is even more true that we are genetically programmed to be cooperative and generous. The defining feature of human society is cooperation. Notwithstanding the daily weird killing on the 6 o'clock news, harmful aggression is the exception, not the rule: that's why it's news.

Consider these facts about human beings:

To quote Robert Sapolsky, Ph.D. in Foreign Affairs, January/February, 2006: “Across the roughly 150 or so primate species, the larger the average social group, the larger the cortex [the portion responsible for higher order reasoning, communication, and social judgment] relative to the rest of the brain.

In sum, over three or four million years, the groups of hominid ancestors that developed giving, generosity, and cooperation to a fine art were the ones that survived to pass down the genes that are our endowment today. As a result, we are “born and bredâ"to want to give, to contribute, to make a difference.

When Generosity Is Thwarted
One way to see the centrality of that impulse in the human experience is to observe what happens when it's thwarted:

In Conclusion
So, have faith that your son will appreciate more and more the rewards of sharing and giving, cooperation and generosity. In the beginning, the rewards will take the form mainly of enlightened self-interest in the rough-and-tumble real world of children, boiling down to: "If I scratch your back after you scratch mine, probably you'll scratch mine again." Over time, the rewards will naturally become more internalized, more emotional, and more abstracted, evolving into a quiet, almost unnoticed pleasure in simply being a good person. Like everyone else, deep down, in the whole wide world.

**********

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son,
ages 16 and 19. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the principal authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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10 Reasons to Take Good Care of a Mother

Mother Nurture
By © Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac., 2006

Since having kids, I’ve been getting colds much more often, plus I developed a chronic rash that my doctor says is an autoimmune condition. It's funny: during my pregnancy, I took really good care of myself plus got a lot of attention and support from my doctor, husband, and relatives. Even strangers would stop me in the market and remind me to get lots of rest. But now, a year after Allie was born, I feel like I've fallen off of everybody's radar. It's like you're expected to do life - go to the job, do housework, drive around, shop, pay bills, get gas, etc. - just like before, as if the infant you're still super responsible for is not a factor at all. But she's a HUGE factor, of course! I think about her all the time, I'm the person who mainly takes care of her when I'm not at work, I still get up at night and don't sleeep that well, and I feel, honestly, more and more run down. And she's just a year old! Where is this going, and why doesn't anybody seem to notice?!

Continue reading 10 Reasons to Take Good Care of a Mother.

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When You're Dog Tired

This is a list of web sites that present you with lodgings, across the country, that accept dogs. Continue reading When You're Dog Tired.

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Boosting Your Immune System

Mother Nurture
By © Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac., 2006

Since having kids, I’ve been getting colds much more often, plus I developed a chronic rash that my doctor says is an autoimmune condition. Why is this happening to me? And what can I do?

We’re very sorry that all this seems linked to becoming a mother – yet you're far from alone since studies have shown that bearing and rearing children gyrate the immune system in a number of ways, leading to increased colds and flus and more risk for autoimmune conditions.

Happily, there are things you can really do to strengthen your immune system so it is more able to fight off pesky invaders, and less likely to over–react and attack your body (i.e., an autoimmune illness). (Of course, this column is not meant to give advice about any particular condition.)

Continue reading Boosting Your Immune System (PDF).

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Keys to Building Character

Mother Nurture
By © Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac., 2006

I'm worried about how to help my son and daughter turn into ethical, caring people, especially with all the questionable influences out there these days. Any ideas?

It's a real issue. With the loss of community in the past two generations (now "the village it takes to raise a child" looks more like a ghost town), an increasingly "look out for yourself" economy, and a vulgar and self-absorbed culture penetrating every corner of our lives - including children's television and advertisements - yes, we really have to wonder these days about how best to encourage good character in our precious children.

Continue reading Keys to Building Character (PDF).

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Sex After Children

Mother Nurture
By © Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac., 2003

Our baby just had her first birthday, and my husband and I are getting along OK, but the problem is he's really frustrated that we almost never make love because I usually feel too tired and "touched-out" when we finally get to bed.

This is a BIG topic, so please consider this column a summary of the summary of what could be said about it, and for much more information, please see chapter 8 of our book, Mother Nurture. Here are the headlines:

Understand your differences In most couples, the man is interested in more frequent lovemaking than the woman is, and this difference usually increases dramatically after children arrive. The hormonal perturbations and physical issues of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing combined with fatigue, being pulled on all day by children, stress, and physical depletion all tend to lower a mother's libido, and if she also feels let down by or emotionally distant from her partner, sex is at the bottom of her list of preferred ways to spend the next half hour.

On the other hand, a father is usually still quite interested in his wife as a lover (though some men also experience a drop in sexual interest after becoming a parent). While he misses sex itself, the principal loss for a man is typically that it starts to feel that his partner doesn't care enough about him as a person to approach him as a lover or stretch herself to engage him for a little while . especially when he sees her stretching herself much more for the children or even for a friend who calls on the phone.

The solution is to not take these differences personally, but to recognize them as normal and rooted in utterly impersonal biological imperatives of men and women. Try to have empathy and compassion for each other, which will help you feel better and get closer, and will be the basis for addressing your differences in practical ways.

Take care of your personal well-being, teamwork, and emotional intimacy Many fathers can shift into lover mode even if they don't feel that well, and even if things are somewhat tense with their partner. But in order to be comfortable with lovemaking, most mothers need to have a basic amount of energy and wellness, a sense of not being let down by their mate, and feelings of being cared about and connected. We've written about these extensively in our book and previous columns, so .nuff said here, other than we REALLY encourage you to make sure these pieces are in place.

Make fondness and affection a part of daily life  Look for opportunities to acknowledge each other for everything you do. Whenever you can, deliberately express your liking, warmth, caring, and concern for your partner . even if it's just a look or a smile. Try to touch each other, non-sexually, several times a day. Carve out times, from merely a few minutes to a date night or a weekend away, that are for just the two of you, with no interruptions from children. Try to go to bed at the same time, even if one of you gets up to watch some TV after the other one drifts off. Hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle on the couch or in bed . all the sweet things you used to do before kids.

On this foundation, come to an understanding that works for both of you as to about how often you'll make love  For some couples, especially during the first few months postpartum, they'll agree to no lovemaking. But for many others, they'll come to something closer to once a week or so.

Yes, that frequency is probably closer to the natural preference of many dads with young children (two to three times a week) than it is to that of many moms (once every month or so). But to be frank, for many fathers the prospect of indefinitely, with no end in sight, meeting their wife as a lover just once a month would be quite troubling, and could ultimately be a major factor eroding the marriage. A loose analogy is conversation: it would also be troubling to many mothers to be told that they can expect their partner to talk with them in any depth only once a month.

The truth is that there is a middle ground in sex between hot-to-trot (ahh, those were the days . . . . !) and are-you-crazy?! (And there is probably an equivalent middle ground for many men when it comes to sitting down on the couch to talk with their wife about something that's upsetting her.) We consciously reach down inside to find an authentic willingness to do something even if it is not our first preference. And as we engage the process, a natural interest or presence with the activity is usually kindled, and when it's over, we are usually glad we took the time, and there's a nice glow in the relationship.

Whether it's sex . or a deep and meaningful conversation - we're talking about taking half an hour or so a week to keep re-knitting the ties that bind a couple together and create a solid family framework in which to raise precious children. (And of course it's wise to have more than one good conversation a week!)

If there is clarity about a fairly predictable frequency of lovemaking, that also eliminates many upsets. If they've agreed to make love once a week or so and it's been about that long, if she says no tonight because she had a hard day with the kids or at work, he probably won't feel helplessly frustrated, but will figure there's a good chance he'll get lucky tomorrow night. If they've recently made love and he puts his hand on her hip, she doesn't have to stiffen to make sure he doesn't get the wrong idea that sex is in the offing. They can kiss passionately or fondle each other for a few minutes before rolling over to go to sleep . sweet pleasures for many men and some women that are one more way to evoke loving feelings . without fearing that now they have to go all the way.

In our experience, if you take care of the basics above, you can always work out the practical details . like you've gotten out of the habit, the baby's in the bedroom, setting up a time for sex seems unromantic, lovemaking has grown routine or even boring, and so on. And more than anything, try to let lovemaking deepen your love for each other, touching with a cherishing in your lips and fingertips, the giving of your bodies opening your hearts.

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 13 and 15. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.

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In Case of Emergency

by Ronnie Sharpe


When my daughter bit into a tube of Balmex I immediately read the back label which said to call poison control. I grabbed my emergency pre-made list and frantically dialed...a wrong number in New Jersey. Then looked up a friend who is a pediatrician and called her. My daughter is fine but it was then I realized the importance of having an accurate list handy at all times. When I spoke to other moms, I noticed that not many had emergency information handy. So here is a list for quick and easy access to crucial information. Emergency lists should be handy wherever you find yourself or where ever your child is, at home, school, babysitter or on the go. You may want to also include baby's allergies and blood type too. Make several photocopies of the emergency list, laminate it if you can and reduce a few to wallet size. Keep it by the refrigerator, telephone, car, in wallets and the diaper bag. Create a few for friends and family as well – it is important for everyone to have. Here is a template to get you started and the information below to help you to fill in some of the blanks. Download Emergency List Form (PDF).

  Fire Police
Belvedere 435-7200 435-3266
Corte Madera 927-5077 927-5150
Fairfax 258-4686 453-5330
Larkspur 499-7235 9275150
Mill Valley 389-4130 389-4100
Novato 878-2690 897-4361
Ross 453-7434 453-2727
San Anselmo 258-4686 258-4610
San Rafael 485-3304 485-3000
Sausalito 289-4153 289-4170
Tiburon 435-7200 789-2800
     
     
Ambulance 460-0911 456-9333
CPMC 600-6000  
Marin General 925-7000  

Mother Nurture
By © Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac., 2004

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Preventing Colds and Flus


Both my toddler and his big sister seem to have a runny nose half the year, particularly during the winter. And their dad and I also have a cold more often than we'd like. Any advice?

Studies show that women are more prone to colds and flus after having children - and kids themselves are exposed to germs continually in childcare and preschool. So it's smart to take up arms against those microbial invaders!

Of course, check with your doctors, especially if a cold/flu is intense or prolonged, or accompanied by a significant fever. But on your own, there are plenty of things you can do. Just adapt the ideas below - which include what moms and dads can do for themselves - for kids, depending on their age and weight.

Step 1 Turbocharge your immune system to prevent illness in the first place:


- Get as much sleep as possible
- Exercise routinely
- Do what you can to lower your stresses (which suppress your immune system)
- Minimize exposure to contagious people (to reduce demands on the immune system)
- Eat protein with every meal
- Eat lots of fresh vegetables
- Minimize sugar (which depresses immune system function)
- Take a multi-vitamin/mineral supplement - Ideally, get a really good one from a health food store or our website, www.NurtureMom.com, that recommends four to six pills a day. For kids, look for flavored tablets or liquid.
- Take an essential fatty acid (EFA) supplement (which contains the "good fats") - Unless you are a strict vegetarian, we recommend high-quality fish oil that has been molecularly distilled to remove mercury (these days, to get all the EFAs you need from eating fish, you'd consume too much mercury, alas). Take about 1000 milligrams/day. If you don't want to take fish oil, consume about 1 tablespoon/day of flax oil in salad dressings or other nonfrying uses; also be sure to take both a multi-vitamin and B-vitamin complex in order to digest the flax oil properly.

Step 2 - If you feel a cold coming on, or it's already breached your defenses:


- Vitamin A - This is the single best intervention weOve come across for colds and flus. Use mycellized vitamin A in liquid form or vitamin A from cod liver oil in gel caps. At the beginning of a cold, take 50,000 International Units (IU) a day for three to five days; do not take more than that since it could be toxic for you. (One drop of vitamin A is about 5000 IU.) WARNING: Pregnant women or women who have any possibility of becoming pregnant over the next several months MUST NOT TAKE DOSAGES OVER 5000 IU/day, which can lead to birth defects.

- Vitamin C - Routinely take one to two grams a day. Increase to four to ten grams/day at the first sign of a cold (but decrease if you develop diarrhea) and maintain that dose for the duration of the illness before dropping back down.

- Zinc - Often taken as a lozenge for a sore throat.

- Echinacea - Take at the first possibility of an infection (e.g., your sonOs best friend just got a bad cold) or sign of the sniffles. This herb comes in several forms, just follow the dosage instructions on the packaging. (If you use a liquid tincture, dilute it in a little water unless you want a numb tongue!)

- Chinese herbs - The formula, Gan Mao Ling, can reduce the symptoms and duration of a cold. ItOs often available in little black BB size pills, which are relatively easy for kids to take. Another formula, Bi Yan Pian, is especially good for flus.

- Homeopathy - This approach relies on being able to identify the correct remedy matched to an individual's exact symptoms. When it works, it's very evident, so if you try a remedy and do not feel noticeably better within twenty four hours, you should probably switch to another one.
The most common remedies for the flu are:

- Oscillococcinum - Take this general-purpose remedy as soon as you are exposed to infection or start to feel symptoms. It typically comes in small vials which can be divided into three or four doses. Initially take one dose every hour, and after three doses, decrease to about three doses per day.

- Bryonia Alba and Gelsemium Sempervirens - These are similar to one another, and some homeopaths recommend that people alternate them. However, a subtle distinction is that Bryonia is more appropriate for a particularly irritable person, while Gelsemium would be more for the flu victim whose dominant experience is fatigue. Also, Bryonia is used when a person feels worse if she moves, so symptoms like, it hurts when I cough, might lead you to that remedy. Either of these remedies can be used in a potency called 30C, which will be on the bottle following the name, and can be taken every hour for a few hours, then reducing to three times per day.

In general, a good plan is to start with the Oscillococcinum at the very beginning, and then if a flu still develops, try Gelsemium or Bryonia.

To Your Health

Besides being an uncomfortable experience, a cold or flu in either your child or yourself can be one more draining experience that tips you further toward developing the Depleted Mother Syndrome, so itOs important to do everything you can to prevent them. The best long-term cure for frequent colds and flus is to optimize your own health and well-being. If there is any question about that, we heartily recommend using our book, Mother Nurture (Penguin, 2002), to feel less stressed, stay energetic and replenished, and build teamwork and intimacy with your mate - all of which will help get you through the winter, and beyond, in great shape.

*******

(Rick Hanson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson, M.S., L.Ac., is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 14 and 17. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the first and second authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

Mother Nurture by © Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, M.S., L.Ac., 2004

Making Time for Your Relationship

With two kids and two jobs, Doug and I never seem to have any time to be together just the two of us. You’re busier than ever, the days blur by, and then you look up and there’s your husband, and you realize that it’s been weeks, literally weeks, since you’ve done anything pleasant together. When we do get some time, it’s great and there’s a little glow in our relationship that lasts a couple days. We keep saying we have to do that more often. But it’s really hard.

During periods of intense demands – such as the first months after birth, while an infant is colicky, or when either of you is sick or flat out exhausted - it’s normal for a couple to have less time for each other. But over the long run, we have to keep investing in an intimate friendship if we want to continue to have one. You can’t put a partner in the freezer for a few years and then pop him or her in the microwave and expect everything to be warm and tasty between you again.

Time together for conversation, doing fun things together, sweet moments, and affection is the foundation of a strong and enduring love. Here are some suggestions for busy parents:

Do tasks together.
Understandably, parents often divide their tasks in order to conquer them. But when you’re both cleaning up after dinner or bathing a child, it’s easier and more fun. Additionally, look for chances to connect even while you're getting things done, like comfortably touching shoulders at the sink, shared glances of amusement at a child’s play with a stuffed animal, rubbing a partner’s foot as he or she reads a story, friendly conversation in the car while running errands, holding hands as you walk your child into daycare, and so on.

Create family fun.
You can also do more family activities that are fun and connecting for mom and dad, not just the kids, such as roughhousing together, making music, playing hide and seek or board games, making cookies, or planting flowers.

Make time for pillow talk.
Arranging to go to bed at the same time gives you more private moments for talking and snuggling, but that’s hard for many parents. Yet the difference in bedtimes is usually small enough that it’s easy to bridge with a gracious compromise. You could split the difference: if he’s the night-owl, he might come to bed a half hour sooner while you stay up for half an hour. Or maybe he could get the kids going in the morning, giving you more time to sleep so you can go to bed later with him. Or he might come to bed with you, talk and cuddle for awhile, and then go back out to the living room.

Establish daily routines.
Try to build time for just the two of you into the normal rhythm of your day. Tell the kids to leave you alone - perhaps after setting them up with an activity - and make the rule stick; soon enough, almost any child past two will come to respect it. Some couples have a cup of tea or glass of wine together when they’re both home from work. You could arrange for the kids to eat early so you can have a peaceful dinner with each other. Firm bedtimes will give you time to yourselves in the evening. Or pay an older child to play with your younger ones for a few hours over the weekend while you hang out together in another part of your home; a friendly ten-year-old is a preschooler’s dream playmate!

Schedule regular date nights.
By the time most infants are six months old (and for some, it’s sooner), they can handle their parents going off for an hour or two in the evening. At this point, try to schedule a “date night” for at least once a month, and maybe even weekly. The first time or two, let yourself be as careful or nervous as you like: call home every fifteen minutes, carry a pager, leave the movie early because you can’t stand being away from your baby, whatever - we’ve been there! But soon it will feel very natural, and the kids will see it as simply part of the weekly routine, even if they howl for a few minutes after your car pulls out of the driveway.

Let good moments last.
As much as you both want things to be good between you, it’s striking how hard it can be to let the nice moments last. For example, it might seem like a part of you doesn’t want to give way to strong feelings of liking or love. Perhaps you fear that would imply you're letting him off the hook for the ways you feel he’s let you down. Maybe you’re afraid to melt, afraid to let yearnings for love and support stir within you, unwilling to chance being hurt one more time.

Instead, try to take the moment for what it is: it doesn’t negate the past or de-legitimize anyone’s grievances, nor does it mean you’ve agreed to anything from now on. These minutes together are like beads on your life’s necklace: will they be pearls, or something plain or painful? You can help them be good by stretching yourself to be present when you feel far away, nice when you’re irritable, open rather than guarded. Try to locate in him that which calls forth warmth and fondness in you. When he offers something positive, try to build on it rather than letting it hit the ground with a thud. Protecting these moments makes a sanctuary for your love, giving it room to live - and grow.

This column is offered freely to parent-related organizations. If you know of another newsletter that might like to carry it besides the one in which you are reading it now, please encourage that organization to contact Rick Hanson at the email address below. Or just email Rick with the contact info and he will approach the organization.

(Rick Hanson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson, M.S., L.Ac., is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 13 and 16. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the first and second authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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