It takes a village. 

Raising children can be one of the most meaningful pursuits of one’s life, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. It is labor intensive, pun intended. It requires exceptional patience, negotiation and compromise with your child, but also with your spouse, partner or other parent if involved. There can be times of blissful ease, and others which can keep you up at night.

What is even more difficult is the village of support, which used to be a mainstay for rearing a family, is not a guarantee. Geographical relocation can separate young parents from familial support, and societal polarization may impact one’s community leading to higher levels of isolation. Thus, protective factors that span socio-economic status, familial stability, structure, external supports, and a child who is healthy and positively engaged, all safeguard against potential stressors (Davies, Pgs. 103-104; Fancy, Pg. 2).

However, what happens when a parent suspects that their young child is developing in a way that could indicate developmental challenge? When looking at neurodiversity, it is not surprising to imagine that parents who have a child with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD), may experience higher levels of stress. Receiving a diagnosis of ASD for your child may indicate that many areas of a young child and their family’s life are impacted, including communication, behavior, social skills, play skills, feeding, sleeping and integrating into the community. In fact, research indicates that the stress experienced by parents who have a child with ASD, are higher than parents of children with any other condition (Rivard et al., 2014).

What can be more difficult to navigate is that certain children who are autistic, may not appear like they have fundamental challenges. The invisible nature of developmental disorders do not always lend well to understanding or welcoming from the community when a child’s behavior can be seen as challenging, disruptive or even dangerous. Parents may feel or experience judgement and shame, which worsens isolation from any social involvement. For some parents, they are also isolated from their own families or support networks due to the lack of understanding or in some cases, disbelief in the diagnosis. Well-meaning family members attempting to provide support may use more traditional discipline, which may exacerbate a child’s stress and, consequently, their behavior. 

This is why inclusion is not only important for a child who reaps the developmental benefits of being around children who can model appropriate skills, but as important for parents and the family as a unit. The first step of true inclusion is understanding, which fosters comfort and compassion. Understanding the nuances of neurodiversity can be challenging unless you have experienced it directly. Child development is not linear, however for children with ASD, early skill development can regress, develop slowly, or develop with discrepancies, which is often referred to as ‘splinter skills’. For example, an autistic child may have very strong visual processing skills, but have compromised auditory processing, which means communication may be delayed and difficult to navigate. Without communication, how does one indicate need, desire or work within a shared activity? Delayed communication can lead to delayed play, which in turn can impact social skills. Furthermore, sensitivity to sensory input including sound or touch can make a child’s stress immense when trying to navigate their environment.

It would not be surprising if a child with ASD was working harder than anyone else in the room. Their ability to be flexible, responsive, or regulated at these times, may prove to be too taxing for their system. Some children internalize this stress and isolate finding ways to make themselves feel better, while other children may externalize their stress responding with reactivity. Both disengagement or disruption require the same response: support, scaffolding and safety. Familiarity via structure and predictable routines provides comfort. Connection with others in small groups allows the ability to interact when not overwhelmed due to sensory input. Understanding what can support a neurodiverse child or family, can help them access community more. For a parent with a child who has ASD, getting a birthday party invite or a request for a summer playdate, can be monumental and inclusive. If attending for the whole time is too daunting, working with the family to carve out certain times for them to attend, or having a separate play experience goes a long way to fostering understanding and connection.