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PARENTING WITH YOUR PARENTS

By: Julie Austin, Psy.D.   |   November 3, 2022

 

If you are lucky enough to have parents or parents-in-law to help raise your children, then you know how wonderful this arrangement can be. Despite the familiarity and security that comes with this type of relationship, there may be special communication considerations within this fortunate, but tricky, dynamic.

 

A grandparent may not always honor your role as the authority of your child, saying that he or she has years of experience and knows how to "parent." You may be hesitant to bring up problems or give instruction for fear of hurting your relationship. This can create anxiety over confrontation at the expense of what is best for your child.

 

Frequently, parents or parents in law stop being “babysitters“ and become secondary caregivers. This may lead to confusion over rule setting, as many parents feel their tenure as your parents gives them the authority to behave as parents once again, this time to your children. Since you are grateful for your help, this can often put you in a bind. “If I insist on my way, will I lose their support? Will I appear ungrateful?“

 

Be secure in your position as your child’s parents. Moving forward, you’ll want to do the following three things:

 

1. Establish Ground Rules.

If you parent with a spouse or partner, sit down with that person and outline the different areas that your caregiver will be involved in with your child and come up with rules for each of these areas. You and your partner have several areas to cover. Here are a few to consider depending on the age of your child.  

• Homework: where and when is homework to be done? In the bedroom? At the dining room table? Is it done right after school? Is your child allowed to have any media during homework?
• Snacks: what kind of snacks do they get when they comes home after school? Are sweets permitted? Only fruit? Are there food allergies?
• Media: how many programs can your child watch per day or week? Can your child use media for other educational activities? Do your parents know how to operate the devices?
• Bathing: is the bathroom comfortable enough for your parent to sit in and supervise? Are bath products with an easy reach? Does your child need physical assistance in bathing him or herself?
• Bedtime: what is the bedtime routine? What time is bedtime and is there any flexibility? If your child resists, what are the tricks?

Clarifying the rules in advance minimizes conflict between you and your partner, communicates a unified front, and lays out your desires and intentions in a methodical way. It is harder for your parents to stray from your guidelines if they are presented clearly and directly.

 

2. Caregiver Meetings

After you have established your ground rules, arrange a meeting with your parents to discuss them. Present them in a written document to show that you were taking this seriously, but also let them know it is a work in progress.

 

In this meeting, walk them through your guidelines and, after each section, ask for feedback. While you may not like some of their suggestions, be open to incorporating a few. Make notes to show that you intend to seriously consider their contributions.

 

A few goals of this meeting should be to:

• Agree upon the rules,
• Agree to be honest with each other,
• Agree on how to communicate with each other about the rules and important issues that emerge, and
• Agree on how to handle conflict.

3. Communicating and resolving conflict

One of the simplest ways to communicate is to do a daily notebook. Date your entries and put in any pertinent information needed for that day (i.e., your child is ill, needs medication to be given at certain times and at what dosages, etc.). Find ways to praise or compliment your parent. You can even use a notebook to communicate issues to improve upon. Consider the “sandwich approach “where you can pay critical feedback by sandwiching it between two positive comments. For example, if your parents allowed your child to watch too many television programs you may consider a notebook entry like this:

 

March 25: “Hi mom! Thanks for watching Hannah yesterday. Henna told me she watched three programs, so I wanted to remind you to please limit her time on the iPad to 30 minutes. Also, great job on getting out her tangles at bathtime!”

 

If conflict arises or you notice that the rules are not being followed consistently, arrange another meeting to find out what interferes with your parents’ ability to adhere. Be sure to approach the meeting with a positive attitude and with an eye toward fixing the issue and not as an opportunity to blame.

 

Creating a network of people who care for your child can give you all a feeling of community and help your child feel that his world is filled with love and caretakers. We all have opinions about our best practices and, even during a disagreement, remember that everyone’s intent is to create a safe environment for your child.

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