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Daditorial
MILKMEN: HOW DADS CAN SUPPORT THEIR BREASTFEEDING PARTNERS
By: Cody Harris | June 2, 2022
Author’s Note: I first wrote this article back in 2015, but I’m dusting it off and updating it seven years later for two reasons. First, this issue is fairly timeless. As long as moms are breastfeeding, there will be dads wondering what they can do to help. Second, five years after I wrote this article, we had another baby, which brought it all back!
Let me start with a warning: I am a dad writing about breastfeeding. As a man, my lactating capacity is, as far as I know, nil. I haven’t personally experienced the highs and lows of breastfeeding, from the oxytocin rush that accompanies a good latch and a happily feeding baby, to the anxiety and physical discomfort that may precede it. I would never presume to tell any woman anything about a subject as sensitive, personal and intimate as breastfeeding, and this column makes no attempt to do so. No, this column is aimed at my cohort—dads (as well as dads-to-be and other non-breastfeeding partners) who are (or soon will be) watching as their partners wrestle with the challenges breastfeeding can throw at them.
Full disclosure: my wife is a lactation consultant, so breast milk is kind of a big deal in our household. But breastfeeding is, above all, a personal choice, and families may decline to breastfeed, choose to supplement, or run into various insurmountable obstacles. This column, however, is aimed at those whose partners have decided to breastfeed, and who want to help somehow. While it may be tempting to treat feeding time as “Mom’s time,” giving you a few minutes to play Wordle, there are many ways you can support your partner during breastfeeding, especially when the going gets rough.
When my wife and I had our first son, breastfeeding was touch and go. Our little guy was a bit jaundiced, so his suck was weak, which made my wife’s milk come in slower, which prevented him from gaining weight fast enough, which made his suck more weak…. It was a stressful time, compounded by the natural exhaustion, emotion, and anxiety that hits new moms (and dads!) after birth. For us, breastfeeding became a team sport. Every two hours, she pumped, then manually expressed breast milk into a spoon, which we then transferred into a small syringe. As she held our son to her breast, I slipped a tiny tube into the corner of his mouth, to ensure he was getting enough milk in each feed. After a couple of weeks, we made it over the hump. It was an exhausting two-man job, so to speak, but it was also an incredible bonding experience for all three of us as a new family.
With that experience in mind–as well as the two breastfed babies that followed–I’ve identified four roles a dad can take on to help with nursing. This list isn’t exhaustive, and some ideas may apply better than others. But hopefully it’ll get the juices flowing (again, so to speak) in terms of ways we can support our partners as they work pretty much around the clock to nourish our kiddos.
Gatekeeper
Right after the baby is born, people will clamor to see the new arrival. Your parents and in-laws will want to visit. Aunts and uncles, friends and godparents—everyone will want a turn. And of course, it’s a fun, social, and magical time. But you can be the bouncer. It’s extremely important that the baby be skin-to-skin with mama, stimulating her breast as frequently as possible in those early days. In fact (according to the lactation consultant I live with), early, frequent breast stimulation can increase receptors of a hormone called prolactin, which is believed to increase milk production. In other words, your partner needs to feel comfortable enough to be topless a lot in those crucial early days. It won’t do to skip a feeding because Aunt Sally wants an Instagram post with the baby. That means it may fall to you to notice the baby’s feeding signs—or just watch the clock—and clear the room periodically, allowing mama (and you!) to get that key bonding and skin-to-skin time with the baby.
Mr. Clean
Breastfeeding often means pumping. And pumping means tubes, bottles, flanges, and various attachments that require frequent and thorough cleaning. That’s where you come in. The last thing your partner wants to do when she’s done pumping is clean the darn thing. Set up a system where she knows she can drop the pump somewhere and you will sterilize its parts as needed.
Equipment Manager
Make sure your partner has everything she needs to be as comfortable as possible. Keep stocked up on healthy, high-calorie snacks that are easily eaten with one hand (trail mix is a good option). See that she always has a full glass of water at her side (coconut or warm lemon water may be even better). If she needs heating pads to ease the pain or help get the milk flowing, have them ready to go. Make sure her phone, tablet, or Kindle is within arm’s reach. Basically, take care of all of her needs, so she can focus on the baby’s.
Champion
Most importantly, provide your partner with the emotional support she needs, especially if breastfeeding is a challenge. This can be tough, since we men often see a problem and want to fix it as rapidly and effectively as possible. If breastfeeding isn’t going great at first, and your partner is in tears, your instincts may kick in to say, “Let’s just use formula!” (assuming you can find some these days). If she and your family are committed to breastfeeding, resist that urge. Help her work through it, acknowledging how physically uncomfortable and emotionally taxing it may be. Research solutions, contact lactation consultants for advice, look into milk banks or other options. Conversely, if your partner has decided breastfeeding is just not an option, support her in that choice as well. In the end, you’re a team, and your bedrock support can do wonders in the emotional whirlwind following the baby’s arrival.
To end where I began, breastfeeding is certainly mom’s domain. But we dads can do more than stand agape when they nurse our kiddos. We can—and should—choose to be active participants and supportive partners as they embark on this selfless and extraordinary act of love.
Cody Harris lives in Marin with his wife, Rebecca. They have two boys and aspiring big leaguers, Emmett and Levi, and a 16-month old daughter, Annanit. When they’re not cheering from the stands, Cody’s a litigator and Rebecca is an RN and Lactation Consultant.
More from this issue:
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Book Picks: Celebrating Fathers Read >>
Gilead House: A Place of Hope and Empowerment Read >>
Golf for Father’s Day Read >>
How to See Through the Eyes of Love — An Easy Daily Mantra Read >>
June is for Celebrations Read >>
Weekend Adventures: Marin Beaches Read >>
Milkmen: How Dads Can Support Their Breastfeeding Partners Read >>
Sit and Look Pretty Read >>
The Summer List - Pandemic Edition Read >>
Tooth Fairy-ing in Modern Times Read >>