The Crier Landing Page >>
Daditorial
THE MAGIC OF THANK-YOU NOTES
By: Cody Harris | November 3, 2022
Recently my wife and I took our two boys (ages 9 and 11) to an etiquette course. The idea was to teach them the basics of etiquette, including how to sit and stand straight, introduce themselves properly, use their silverware correctly, and generally come across as something other than total barbarians, especially while eating a meal. Time will tell how much of the course sticks with them, but one tidbit really stood out to me, and it came right at the end of the course. It had to do with the lost art of the handwritten thank-you note.
Our instructor asked a simple question: how late is too late to send a thank-you note for something you received? The kids in the course raised their hands and made their guesses. A week? No. A month? Incorrect. Well, it must be a year then—that would be an embarrassingly long time to wait to send a thank-you note. Wrong again.
The answer was: never. It is never too late to send a thank-you note. A sincere thank-you note could come a decade after the fact, and it will be as meaningful—or perhaps more meaningful—than if it had come right away.
This led to another question: for what should you send a thank you note? Again, the students made their guesses. A gift? Sure, what else. A gift card? That’s kind of the same thing, but yes. What else? The answer was: pretty much anything. You can send a thank-you note for anything someone did that helped you, made you feel special, or that was just plain nice.
We have tried to adopt this habit in our family and have been encouraging our kids to write thank-you notes for things that we otherwise may have let slip by. For example, if someone hosted one of our boys for a sleepover, that’s thank-you-note-worthy. It takes only a few minutes for our son to write a note to his friend’s parents thanking them for letting him stay over, feeding him, and generally giving him a little break from his usual routine. What about thanking a teacher who helped explain something challenging? How about thanking a coach who made a sport fun or taught a new skill? If you start thinking about it, there are all sorts of small kindnesses that are thank-you-note-worthy.
We’ve also been urging our boys to write thank-you notes for things that happened months or even years ago. It’s a fun activity to think about someone who gave you something or said or did something nice or helpful, and whom you never really thanked properly. Why not take a minute and write them a short note? Imagine how they will feel to know that you remember what they did and feel compelled to thank them for it, even if a good deal of time has passed. It’ll make their day.
To get this habit rolling, we invested in stationary for our kids, which can be used for this very purpose. Kids get a kick out of seeing fancy cards with their names on them, and maybe a motif that they choose themselves. And a small-ish notecard isn’t too intimidating for kids who may not leap at an extra writing assignment. But really any piece of paper will do.
When our kids ask why we can’t just send a text or an email, we explain that there’s something special about getting a note by mail or delivered by hand. It shows that you took the time to put pen to paper; the gesture itself helps convey the gratitude you’re expressing.
We parents can and should adopt this habit, too, of course. Doing so will not only set a positive example for the little semi-barbarians we’re raising but will also help make gratitude a bigger part of our normal routine. So, after you’ve finished reading this column, maybe take a second and think about someone who did something nice for you or helped you out—recently or long ago. Then grab a pen and piece of paper and send a thank-you note. Don’t think too hard about it; it needn’t be perfect. Any sincere expression of gratitude will get the job done.
Teaching 9- and 11-year-olds etiquette will undoubtedly take time. I’m not sure when or if they’ll figure out which fork to use for the salad course. But I do know that they can take a moment to write a note of thanks and pop it in the mail. It’s a good habit to develop.
I’m sure they’ll thank me someday.
Cody Harris lives in Kentfield with his wife, Rebecca. They have two grade-school aged boys, Emmett and Levi, and a pre-school aged daughter, Annanit. When they’re not chasing their brood around, Cody’s a litigator and Rebecca is an RN and Lactation Consultant.